then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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