If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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