YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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