She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
