I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
