Im at strip club and am horny
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
