omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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