My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
