why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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