K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
