I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
