my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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