I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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