i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
