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Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
