I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
