I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
