it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
