I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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