Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
