No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
