I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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