Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
