I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
