So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
