last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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