On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Your cock deserves a montage
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
