she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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