Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
