seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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