It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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