Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
