I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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