You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
