Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
