dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
