Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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