I look better un-naked...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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