My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
