just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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