Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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