i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When did angry sex become our thing?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
