Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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