census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
