i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
