yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
