True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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