She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
