I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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