what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
