just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
