So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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