True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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