I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
