There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
