I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's rum buckets o'clock
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
