we have pet lesbian snakes
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I wish there were birth control emojis
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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